5 Tips to Avoiding Meltdowns
As I write this, we are 7 sleeps from Christmas 2020 - has there ever been a time where avoiding meltdowns has been so necessary (and not just from the kids, right?)?
The Groundwork:
Whether you have a toddler, child or teenager - our bodies all experience overwhelm, understanding what happens in the body, can give you the tools to bring them back to a regulated state. Our bodies all experience this, but the way you observe their internal state changes i.e. across developmental age, biological age, culture and personality. Whether it’s full blown paddies on the floor or angry and tearful outbursts, take a moment to consider how your child communicates that things are too much right now.
Knowing how they communicate their breaking points, will help you identify when you can come in with these interventions.
This bit is important:
Interventions are not just for those moment of chaos, in fact, if you leave them just for those moments, they will likely fail and/or add to the chaos. This is because we learn better when we are feeling calm and grounded and when we find it easier to connect with people, without the need for defences.
My biggest tip would be to experiment with the ideas below, and make them part of your families lifestyle.
The more familiar something is to us, the easier we are able to lean on it and take full advantage of what it offers when we are in a heightened emotional state.
A Tiny bit of Theory
Our nervous system operates out of awareness, it scans the environment without missing a beat, without any need for us to think, at all. It fluctuates between 3 states:
Safe and Social State - this is where the magic happens, and where we all want to be to have fun and be well. It’s where we safely connect with others, have clarity of thought, can problem solve, have access to all out language and are able to regulate our emotional states.
Sympathetic State - commonly known as fight or flight. This is a drop down from the above state and it can be triggered when a person finds themselves without the resources needed to stay regulated i.e. not enough sleep, not enough time for the body to be in a calm state to repair and level out hormones. You may notice that your child gets rough with their play or keeps pushing the boundaries - their heightened energy is affecting their ability to regulate themselves, to use what they know and to problem solve their way out of it - they’re no longer in the Safe and Social State. Alternatively, you may notice that they aren’t listening to you, they’re not focusing on the task in hand - this resembles flight though as parents, we often see this as them being rude or defiant.
Dorsal State - also known as shut-down. This is a further drop down from fight or flight where unlike the heightened energy of the Sympathetic State, the Dorsal State has a real zoning out element to it. Blood pressure, heart rate and breathing is low, facial expressions seem frozen or without tone and there’s a lack of eye contact. This state is the most overwhelmed state, where an increase of energy is perceived by the body as not useful in managing what it is they’re challenged by.
Your Aim:
Your aim, in avoiding meltdowns, is keeping your kids in the Safe and Social State. Finding which of these tips work for your children (and you), and using them in general, helps you and them regulate your nervous systems, making it more equipped/resourced to deal with overwhelm, therefore reducing meltdowns. The more you talk about these with your kids - why you’re using them, how to use them and what you notice afterwards, the more they learn about their body. This changes the out of awareness functioning of the nervous system by adding perception - perception/knowledge/understanding, means they develop a real sense of control and mastery of their body.
5 ways to Regulate:
Mindfully use energy - movement uses energy but when we incorporate the reason and the experience of how we spend the energy, it has a much greater positive impact on the nervous system. When you go for a walk, because you are noticing that they are heading towards a meltdown, talk about why this is important. It may sound like this - “OK, I’m noticing that we’re all starting to struggle a little bit, I’m noticing some of us are getting rough or struggling to be part of the games - let’s go for a walk to help us reconnect.” When you go out, encourage them to notice how their bodies feel when they are using their energy - notice how they are choosing to run instead of walk, notice how they’re picking up the stones or touching at the leaves as they walk past. Your noticing will help them notice and increase their mindfulness of movement. When you get home, you can also notice the difference in them, with them - this will help them identify this as something that helps them feel better.
Down-time - create time for them to be alone or to be quiet and still with cuddles. Especially over Christmas, with expectations for us to be social butterflies it can really reduces opportunity for this - and it’s so important. Navigating relationships and the real or perceived expectations of them can be quite a challenge, even just for a day. Whilst in the Safe and Social State, children are able to read social ques and use their developing moral compass to stay engaged, but if we don’t give them time to simply be - we can find that their capacity for this dwindles and they can drop down into the Sympathetic State and either push at or pull from the relationships. When you do this, name what you’re doing it for - you could say “It’s all so busy, shall we have some down time for a cuddle, so we can just be together” or “Do you want to take a breather from all this, it can feel a bit intense can’t it?”
Thinking games - a great way for us to regulate is to engage the frontal cortex, which means to do an activity that requires us to think and focus. When we’re are emotionally heightened, it’s the use of the frontal cortex that we lose, so when we do something that requires it, we bring it back on-line. Jigsaws, puzzles and computer games such as Tetris are great for this.
Engage the senses - this has a similar effect to using thinking games as mindfulness engages the frontal cortex, keeping it on-line and making it available for regulation. This can take the form of a game - out on a walk you can set yourself targets to notice 5 things of different colours, notice 5 different smells, find 5 different textures etc… As you walk and you search, your nervous system is taking a break from the overwhelm and hormones begin to level out.
Thinking about what happened - if emotions and behaviours heighten - it’s OK to leave space between the event and talking about it. I say this because in my experience, parents sometimes have the belief that it must be dealt with straight away - but if our children need to be in the Safe and Social State to connect with you and what you’re saying, doing it in the moment means you’re likely talking ‘at them’ when they’re in fight or flight, and even shut down. It doesn’t work - you become more frustrated and they become more overwhelmed. Use any of the other resources listed above, and when your child is regulated and feeling good again, reflect on what happened, from a supportive place. Wonder what happened, share what you noticed, recognise that it looked like they were really struggling. For more information on how to do this, read this blog about PACE.
When we re-look at something that happened after taking enough time to feel regulated again, we’re able to see it from a different perspective because we have access to our frontal cortex again. On reflection, children may see what they didn’t initially notice, they’re more equipped to understand the cause-and-effect of their behaviour i.e. why someone was angry at them, and the best thing of all - by taking the time to reflect in this supportive way, they can develop their self-awareness, their resources for regulation and they can take better care of themselves in each moment. They also get the permission to feel, to struggle and to learn.
If you have any questions or you would like more info like this, why not join the Facebook group The Parent Circle - Where we figure it all out!